22 Oct 2009

Saxon Nosh Job

by Russell Brand. (Originally published in The Sun.)

Should Racists be allowed on Question Time? This seems to be the question plaguing our nation from where I’m standing across the sea -where everyone is a potential immigrant. I think the answer is “yes” – as long as it’s Gardeners’ Question Time; I’d like to hear BNP Arkala Nick Griffin fuming at a Dahlia on account of it’s hue or provenance- “Bloody flowers- growing over here- stealing our bees.”

I suppose if you’re of the view that extremists are fundamentally (and God knows they love a bit of fundamentalism) wrong then there’s no harm in popping them on the telly and letting them gurgle up their chuckle brained hate-broth – the more people who witness Nick Griffin equivocate on myopic loathing the better it is. He’s a daft sod so there’s no risk of him turning up on Question Time and being so dashed magnetic and persuasive that Dickie Dimbleby slips under the table to issue a worshipful Saxon nosh-job.
He’ll just prattle on in a vague way about borders and division when quite obviously, spiritually and physically we are one. We have 30 percent identical DNA to Bananas, 60 percent identical to Earth worms and 98 percent identical to chimpanzees, how different then can we be from each other?

When I was a junkie (sorry, did I ever mention that?) I once hung out with BNP berk protégé Mark Collett who at that time was leader of the young BNP – suggested slogan “Why let your youth and innocence prevent you loathing others for being slightly different? Join the young BNP”
How bloody young? Can we encourage newborn Caucasian babies to recoil from non-white medics? To enact an oily clamber into the Aryan sanctity of the womb if they encounter pigmental variation amidst the howls and placenta? Perhaps we should post jingoistic pamphlets into the vaginas of expectant mothers for foetuses to devour – like the recent BNP ones that reapproppriate the image of Churchill and war heroes to promote racial purity.

Or ought I pre-empt even gestation and ask Nick Griffin to whisper sweet, malicious nothings into my nutbag each morning to turn me sperms suspicious before they make the Windrush into a potentially liberal ovum – “in fact Nick, while you’re down there…”
Although Nick wouldn’t be up for any of that as the ol’ gays are despised by him and his grey drizzle of a recently outed army – 12,000 British BNP members, maximum – of whom only one in eight are female, so should they achieve utopia they’re going to have to get a lot more liberal on the “same sex” liaison front.

I, as alluded, whilst a befuddled lad made a film with Mark Collett – I say “with”- it was more an expose than a collaboration, we weren’t the Coen brothers, I was a heroin addict and he was a racist (part 1 http://tinyurl.com/r8ngs6 and indeed part 2 http://tinyurl.com/yju7jxc and finally part 3 http://tinyurl.com/yk5ngl2 ) during the film Mark, who is now head of BNP public relations, delightedly referred to homosexuals as “AIDS monkeys”. Perhaps you didn’t get that so I’ll repeat it – the man who is HEAD OF BNP PR referred to gay folk as AIDS monkeys, I fancy then, with this in mind, that we, the right thinking people of Earth are on relatively safe ground when it comes to the “war of words” with televised bigots.

Presumably Griffin and Collett will have some manner of consultation before QT where they’ll discuss strategy.
Griffin: Right, Mark this is a great opportunity for the party to make an impact – how are you getting on with the slogans?
Collett: Rather well actually. “Is Brown getting you down? Both the politician and the skin colour? Vote BNP.”
Griffin: Great. It rhymes and will make me seem damned sophisticated – the audience, by which I mean the white heterosexual audience, will love it. Anything on the woofters?
Collett: Yep – call ‘em Aids monkeys – break a leg.

I think the BBC are right to grant a forum to nit wits, Lord alone knows I’ve said some silly things on the Corporation’s dime (Did they mention it?) and I have great confidence in the ability of British people to recognise prats peddling rhubarb and that’s what the BNP are. Right-wing views can be seductive and toxic in troubled times when astutely rendered by Machiavels but belched out by that tit Griffin I’m sure it’ll just be an amusing bit of irrelevant TV.

Russell donated his fee for writing this article to The London Gypsy Traveller Unit