We have touched down in Melbourne from Sydney – Australia has treated our grisly gang with fair regard. Which I appreciate heartily as surely this land mass has not seen such an influx of English goons since the arrival of the first settlers.
Swimming in the ocean in Sydney earlier in my little white toddler pants I felt so free and blissfull that I understood at once the temporary lunacy that inspires bathers to meddle with dolphins. Had one approached me as I splashed and giggled I’d've given him one right up the blow-hole.
Alas no bottle-nosed flirts came a calling only filthy sharks. As we disembarked from our water-taxi ( which in my mind is the best taxi you can have- except sky-taxis, which is all areoplanes really are and pilots are just high up cab drivers, so they can eff off and stop acting all snooty in their aviator shades. Even the phrase “aviator shades” smacks of self importance- “fetch me shades baby- I’m gettin ready to aviate”) the boat-captain-fella went “oh, be careful a shark bit someone’s leg off here last week mate”
Well, it made the swimming experience more fraught with horror I don’t mind admitting. Sharks are such bastards, sometimes someone’ll go “sharks get a bad rap but actually they’re real gents” oh really? Well I’ve never heard of a shark doing anything remotely pleasant, they never put on benefit gigs for aids or help the elderly with their shopping. They just attack and rape people for fun.
Your supposed to punch an aggressive shark in the face, they say. Right. If a great white, rapist pig of a shark starts tearing at yer leg, swivel underwater and biff him on the hooter like a sub-aquatic henry cooper. No way baby! Give in, roll over, stick your bum out and pout and just hope it’s so turned on that it marries you there and then because an under water “dream-punch” all slow and weedy will just irritate it.
Luckily when a shark did turn up the othe bathers all had open wounds as a result of their lifestyles so were much more appealling- look at the photos they’re all right oddities.
Keep checking the page as I plan to regularly update this blog till you plead for silence.